The Star Wars prequels aren’t great. Let’s not beat around the bush about that. There are some good moments in the prequels, I can’t argue against that. The lightsaber duel between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan and Darth Maul is a crowning achievement of lightsaber combat. (If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.) And John Williams’ score is by far the prequels’ largest redeeming factor. Still, there are just too many things wrong with the prequels to not admit they are lacking.
I enjoy bad movies as much as… well, as much as the next person who likes bad movies. But the Star Wars prequels have made even me wince at how terrible they are. The burgeoning “romance” between Padmé and Anakin was a unique kind of uncomfortable. The absolute drag of galactic politics introduced a boredom I never thought I would feel watching a Star Wars film. And the rise of the dreaded Darth Vader inspired only guffaws and groans. Seriously, if a movie can make Darth Vader seem ridiculous, you know something is wrong with it.
Since the Star Wars prequels are the first part to an expansive space opera, it’s expected that the plot will be a drama-filled tangle of events. But in the prequels’ attempt to tell of the tragic fall of Anakin Skywalker, aspects of the story simply failed as they tried to detail his turn to the dark side. Parts of the plot done for the sake of seriousness often felt weird. These facets verged on hilarious at how ridiculous they were or enraging at how inappropriate they were. Read on to go over some of the prequels worst bits.
25 Not The Smartest Jedi
“Hmm, not the brightest, you are.” Yoda’s speech patterns are well-known to Star Wars nerds and even to normal people (I kid, I kid). It’s an identifying quality of his. We know Yoda talks that way; it’s his thing. But does he have to? As a Jedi general of the Clone Wars, Yoda had to relay orders to his troopers. So think about how unclear communication must have been between Yoda and his clones. “Around the survivors, a perimeter create.” In the heat of battle, conveying orders quickly is imperative. With that in mind, having verbs in front of your imperative sentences makes sense (grammar is fun). Yoda is a Jedi Master. He’s been around people who speak Galactic Basic Standard. He totally could have learned to at least mimic speech patterns just through observation.
24 We’re Waging Actual War Here, Kid
You know, little Ani, maybe the middle of a space fight is not the time to practice your spinning technique. I get that Anakin was a kid in The Phantom Menace, but you would have though he could grasp the seriousness of the situation. The Gungans were battling for their lives down on Naboo, and they were depending on the Naboo pilots to bring down the Trade Federation droid control ship. With the station destroyed, the droid army attacking the Gungans would have been deactivated. Anakin was there when this plan was being discussed. And he was old enough to know the stakes. So this officially makes him one insensitive kid. Seriously. He was in the middle of a war. That’s not the time to “try spinning” because it’s a neat trick or to compare the thrills of a fight to the thrills of pod-racing. Lives were on the line, Skywalker!
23 A RipTo Remember
Animal attacks can be quite vicious. The victims of maulings can be savaged horribly, with grievous wounds covering their entire bodies. You would think space animal attacks would behave in a similar way. When the Nexu, a many-eyed, feline-looking beast, is trying to prey on Padmé in the Geonosian arena, it swipes at her with a heavily clawed paw. It catches her across the back and she screams in pain. And the result of this is that the lower half of her shirt is conveniently torn off, exposing her midriff (it’s a nice midriff) with the teeniest of scratches on her back. And later on during the same battle, nary a scar is seen. That Nexu striking out at her was just an excuse to have her appear in a more revealing outfit. No shirt rips in that attractive a manner.
22 Sensitivity Training
When you’re the queen of a planet that is being occupied by a cruel Trade Federation, the last thing you probably want to hear is, “Yousa thinkin’ yousa people gonna die?” You especially don’t want to hear those words spoken in Jar Jar’s annoying voice. While Queen Amidala pensively ponders her next move on Coruscant, the ever-helpful Jar Jar Binks approaches and asks her this most inappropriate of questions. I know that Jar Jar is supposed to be the least subtle of creatures, but this query did not even earn him an irritated glance from the queen. Children who watch The Phantom Menace, I pray you don’t learn tact or manners from Jar Jar freakin’ Binks.
21 Certifiably Insane
By the end of Attack of the Clones, we knew something was really wrong with Anakin. We didn’t even need to wait to see Revenge of the Sith to understand that he was a messed-up person. He is a terrible protagonist in the last two films of the prequels. He’s a petulant and vicious idiot. Turns out, modern psychology can verify his terrible nature. A psychological study was done on his character, and the psychologists involved diagnosed him with borderline personality disorder, narcissism, and bipolar disorder. Now, aside from the slightly amusing fact that credited psychologists conducted a study on a fictional character, let’s look at their findings. Anakin has problems controlling his anger, his relationship with Obi-Wan changes wildly, and he has abandonment issues. Yup, sounds like those psychologists know what they’re talking about.
20 Biological Privilege
The creation of midi-chlorians offended many Star Wars fans. Of all the things wrong with the prequels, midi-chlorians are not too irritating for me (only slightly). But I understand why they bothered so many people. Midi-chlorians annihilated the mysticism of the Force. The Force didn’t seem like a power that people could reach if they simply tried connecting to it. Instead, being a Force user was decided by how many midi-chlorians resided in your cells. So being a Jedi was basically predetermined. Recent Star Wars movies such as The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, have taken steps to reject the notion that your strength with the Force is decided by your bloodline. Hey, I can totally deal with Rey’s parents being nobodies way better than microscopic organisms in the bloodstream deciding fate.
19 Careful What You Wish For
A ton of dialogue in Attack of the Clones was cringe-worthy. I don’t want to cast aspersions on specific characters (who am I kidding, I do, I really do), but Anakin is the grand master of cringe-worthy lines. His advances to Padmé just make me shudder (or laugh, depending on my mood), and his anger sounds unjustified and whiny to me. One of the more inappropriate things he says is when he expresses the wish to dream about Padmé more often. He had been telling Obi-Wan about troubling dreams he’d been having about his mother, when he just straight-up tells his mentor that he would rather dream about the female senator they’re supposed to be protecting. Why would you tell your teacher this, Anakin?! And also, you do end up having dreams about Padmé fading from life in childbirth, so next time (not that there is a next time) be careful about what you wish for.
18 Parental Supervision
When someone is going to take a blood sample from me, I have complete forewarning that they’re going to do so. If someone is taking my blood and testing it without my knowledge, there is something seriously wrong with the blood-sampling process going on. Qui-Gon, however, must not know the proper etiquette for taking blood from a person. When he wants to test Anakin’s blood for midi-chlorian levels, he takes a bit from a cut that Anakin has and then lies about why he took it (checking for infection, my lunch sack). Anakin, at the time of The Phantom Menace, was a kid. Even if Qui-Gon didn’t ask his permission to test his blood, he should have at least asked Shmi’s permission. No wonder she kept giving Qui-Gon these sad and distrustful looks during the movie.
17 Ain’t No Heads For The Wicked
The assault on General Grievous’ ship the Invisible Hand comprised a large portion of the beginning of the final film of the prequels, The Revenge of the Sith. While trying to rescue Chancellor Palpatine (not that he really needs rescuing), Anakin Skywalker faces off against Count Dooku. He bests him during their duel and ends the fight by crossing two lightsaber blades at Dooku’s throat. What follows is quite the hefty war crime. Dooku was an unarmed opponent, ready to surrender, and Anakin just slew him. He uncrossed those blades and snip! I know that Palpatine was the only witness to Anakin’s actions, but did no one else question what happened during that fight? Did no Jedi sense the dark deed that Anakin performed?
16 Tusken Style
Padmé has a total double standard when it comes to forgiving Anakin for his moral transgressions. She should have made up her mind about Anakin way back in Attack of the Clones before she got into the trouble she did in Revenge of the Sith. When Anakin came back from the Tusken Raider camp, he told her to her face that he had killed women and children in his anger over his mother’s passing. With that in mind, she shouldn’t have been overwhelmingly surprised at his slaughtering of Jedi younglings when he was afraid for her life. Okay, so his fall to the dark side didn’t seem believable at all, but still, the fact remains that she was not turned away from the idea of starting a relationship with him because of his mass slaughter of the Tuskens.
15 The Favored Child
The idea that Obi-Wan and Yoda decided to hide Anakin Skywalker’s children away from him was intended to prevent him from finding them. Leia is safely hidden with Bail Organa’s family on Alderaan, a family that Anakin has no connection to. Luke, on the other hand, is unwisely handed off to Owen and Beru Lars. Anakin visited their moisture farm in Attack of the Clones! His mother married Owen’s father! He knows them! If he had ever gotten it into his head to visit them, he would have discovered Luke immediately. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda are two of the wisest Jedi we meet in the Star Wars universe. How could they not see the danger inherent in this plan? Or did Lucas just kind of struggle to figure out how to place Luke on Tatooine by the time the prequels ended?
14 To Love A Mother
The prequels don’t just hint that being attached to your mother is a bad thing; they outright say it. It is Anakin’s love and fear of losing his mother that becomes the stepping stone on his way to the Dark Side. The Jedi had a philosophy that becoming too attached to things was a detriment to being one with the Force. One of the tenets of the Jedi Knights was the idea that letting things go was for the best. Letting go of earthly attachments is not necessarily a bad thing, but painting Anakin’s love for his mother as the beginning of his downfall did not seem a great message to send to kids watching. When kids watched Luke Skywalker on his adventure, they just thought about how great a hero he was. With Anakin, kids probably had to worry about all the rules necessary for becoming a Jedi.
13 The Sand Hatred
Anakin’s feelings toward sand, which he expresses by saying he hates it because it is coarse, rough, and gets everywhere, is similar to how I feel about Hayden Christensen’s acting ability in the prequels. When Anakin tells Padmé his true feelings about sand, he also takes the opportunity to say his true feelings about her. He then strokes her skin gently once, contrasting how smooth it is in comparison to rough, hateful sand. Do you feel stupider after hearing me merely describe this? Because I do. But this dumb movie moment is also an example of how inappropriate Anakin could be in regards to his relationship with Padmé. She had very clearly stated earlier that she was uncomfortable with the intense looks he gave her. Intense shoulder-stroking was taking it up a notch.
12 E. T. The Extra
The prequels could not content themselves with ruining the way the Force works by introducing midi-chlorians. They were not satisfied with screwing up Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side. They messed up so much that we held dear from the original trilogy, but still, they reached out and scooped up poor E.T. into the bargain as well. When Queen Padmé Amidala goes to the Senate to plead for help for her people on Naboo, we’re offered a scan of the giant room filled with delegates from all over the galaxy. And some of those delegates are of the same species as E.T. from Steven Spielberg’s beloved classic, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. It’s hard to imagine the child-like E.T. participating in the grubbing politics of the Republic in Star Wars. I get that it’s a gag (pretty nifty, I’ll admit), but I much prefer my beloved childhood icons to remain untarnished by the prequels.
11 Leaving Her Children
It was disappointing to see the ending that the prequels doled out to Padmé. Despite making the insane choice to marry Anakin, Padmé was a strong character. She was elected Queen of Naboo at a young age and served as a Senator after that. She had integrity. But she passed away not from medical complications, but from losing the will to live. What?! How is that a thing? There was medical equipment all over the place where she gave birth. And even if we’re supposing that losing the will to live is an acceptable form of passing away, why couldn’t she find the will to live for her newly birthed twins. She showed such concern for her twins earlier when Anakin prophesied her passing, but during the actual moment, she just… (sigh) lost the will to live.
10 Failing The Senator
The passing of Corde, Padmé’s handmaiden decoy, became inappropriate and unnecessary after more of the movie had passed. In Attack of the Clones, bounty hunters are after Padmé because of an upcoming vote in the Senate. Their main objective is to prevent her from participating in the vote at all. The bomb that went off and ended Corde was meant for Padmé. You think initially that Corde gave her life so that Senator Amidala could make it to the important vote. But eventually, Padmé has to leave Coruscant anyways after a second attempt on her life is made. She is forced to leave before the vote is taken in order to protect herself. So it’s as if Corde gave her life away for nothing. I don’t meant to suggest that saving Padmé means nothing, but it is saddening to think that the ultimate goal was never met.
9 Questionable Judgment, Qui-Gon
The Jedi Council don’t come across as the nicest group in the galaxy after they reject Anakin from their ranks for loving his mother too much. (They don’t come across as much of a council either since only Yoda and Mace Windu do the talking.) Still, they could have offered some shelter for Anakin even though they did not want Qui-Gon to train him. Instead, Qui-Gon had to take Anakin with him to the Battle of Naboo, and I think we can all agree that a battle is no place for a child. You also have to wonder about what Qui-Gon was thinking. He could have left Anakin in a safe place on Coruscant instead of dragging him to an enemy-occupied planet. Granted, if Anakin had been left behind, the Battle of Naboo probably would have been lost and no story would have happened. But still, that’s child endangerment in my book.
8 Science Fouls
I know science fiction movies are not the place where kids are supposed to learn about things like gravity, but since movies are usually what they gravitate towards, it would help if our science fiction was a tad more accurate. When Grievous’ battleship, the Invisible Hand, had its engines disabled, it began listing to one side. Everything inside the ship began to slide downwards. This is not how things would work on a ship that is flying in gravity. First of all, if the engines or the gravity was disabled, everything would float because there is no gravity in space. In the film, everything on the ship started acting like gravity was directed towards the floor, just like it is on a planet. And because the whole sequence where things are falling around the ship is a giant set-piece, you’re just kind of forced to accept it.
7 Another Jar Jar Moment
I think the thing you’re supposed to like about Jar Jar is that he has good intentions. Despite his failings, such as being a moron and being extraordinarily clumsy, he’s a kind creature who just always happens to find himself in the wrong places at the right times. But this is not conveyed when Qui-Gon, Padmé, and Jar Jar are strolling past the marketplace on Tatooine. Jar Jar sees a delectable (this is debatable) morsel of raw meat and he sticks his tongue out and tries to gobble it right up. The Gungans are not savages, okay. They have a civilization beneath the waters of Naboo. If they are advanced enough to craft vehicles, then they should understand how trade works. Food at a very blatant food stand is not going to be free. That meat thing Jar Jar sucked up was clearly on display. Being an adorable (this, too, is also debatable) goof should not equate with being a thief.
6 The Soccer Move
Aside from creepily stroking her shoulder, Anakin also employs faking injuries in order to garner Padmé’s affections. While having a picnic in a meadow on Naboo (it is quite the gorgeous setting, actually), Anakin decides to “ride” some Shaaks nearby. Shaaks are these large, herbivorous cow-creatures that seem pretty harmless. The way that Anakin decides to ride these poor creatures is to stand on their backs likes he’s surfing on them. One of the shaaks rightfully bucks Anakin off of its back, and Anakin thumps to the ground. Padmé, who had been laughing at Anakin’s antics until then, sees him struggle to rise and then fall to the ground again. She rushes forward concerned, only to find out that he was faking the gravity of his injuries. I don’t know what’s worse: Anakin’s wooing techniques or the fact that they work.
